And then there were none

My stovetop is a piece of crap. Has been since day one. Since the day I found the underneath on fire at the wire connection, it has been a source of growling in my life.

One day a few years ago, Top Right Burner started heating only on high. Even if the dial was on number 1, still cooking at searing hot temp. Lovely.

Middle Downtake fan decided after later that it no longer wanted to pull anything away from the cooking surface. Fine, I thought. I don’t need you anyway. I’ve got my paper fan.

Then Top Left Burner came unhooked one day and as I tried to push it back into place, began to spark in my face. Lovelier.

Bottom Left Burner did exactly the same thing but after I tried to push it back into place, would only cook on Medium temp no matter where the dial was. Even better.

So only Dependable Bottom Right Burner worked on all heat settings. I gave it lots of praise and worship and told it how much I appreciated it doing such a great job whilst the others were slackers. Until last week.

I had cooked dinner on the stovetop with no issues and wiped up. In my cleaning, I turned on the fan button. Reading above, one would suspect that that means nothing since it didn’t work.

However, this day it decided to come alive. And it didn’t fool around. It came back to life so badly, that it almost started another fire.

Thomas came home and I was watching The Daily Show, lost in laughter. He went in the kitchen for water and came back and said, “I smell something weird in the kitchen.” I’m a confident woman so I know it had nothing to do with my cooking.

We both went in and sure enough, the fan was overheating and creating that lovely electrical fire smell. The fan had been running non-stop for at least an hour. Ok, so just turn off the fan. Tried. Nope. The fan had become possessed and would not shut off. Finally, we had to turn it off from the box.

So now I have NO stovetop. No Top Right Burner that cooks only on high. No Top Left Burner that tried to shock me. Nothing.

I am now cooking on a double-burner hot plate. Awesome. And don’t ANYONE say “Remodeling the Kitchen” or I will completely go bald in one fail swoop.